to see.

i got up this afternoon, and decided to go to the garden.
i put on the green pants i never wore but secretly adored. i tied my red and grey scarf around my waist, and put on a pink and blue shirt. i took my strangest pair of slippers and gave them a chance. and to top it all off i put on my rastaman hat. i looked like a clown, but it was perfect. who would judge me in my garden, the grass?
as i looked out the window and saw the perfect weather,
i decided today was the day to see.
so i got my camera and headed downstairs. what better way to see than through taking pictures?

of course the first to greet me was my darling KC. she had always been my best friend, but i hadn't visited her for years.
yes, years. i promised her i would never forget her, and i can only imagine the hurt she could have felt as she slowly accepted that i probably did. i used to come home straight to her, she would jump and rest her paws on my shoulders (i was that short back then) and kiss me. i remember all those times i'd run out of the house crying, and she'd be right there beside me, offering her warmth and companionship. i missed her, and i was almost ashamed as i saw her walking to me.
but as always, she was right beside me in an instant, with that big smile on her face. i'd changed a lot since she last saw me, but she could see through that. i could be judged by every other person in this world, hated for the things i've done and for what i might become- but it was more than comforting to know that there would always be someone who would forever love me no matter what i claim to be.
nala was there too, and i was glad to see she still seemed happy even though i was paying more attention to KC.
*for the record, im aware animals might not reeaally smile because theyre happy, but i'd like to believe they do.*

i put my earphones on.
its amazing how a little music can influence your whole mood.
i felt like dancing, like flying, like floating. watching the scene before me like it was straight from a film. like i was a character. the crazy girl dancing in the garden. but no one could see me. and those who could would certainly appreciate the movie.

i got my camera and walked around, covering every inch of it, discovering new things and feeling how i felt ten years ago. i noticed how the sunlight looked through the leaves of a tree. i saw flowers i hadnt seen for years. i talked to myself, as i am doing now. i took everything in.
for years i had played in this garden, but only now did i actually see it. watch it. feel it.

i took pictures of anything i wanted. pictures only i would hold dear. memories only i would weep to. thats the beauty of this seeing, no one can really know what i saw.

here are a few pictures i took on this little afternoon of mine.

they arnt exactly great, but one day when im tired of seeing pavement and gigantic buildings, i can always go back to this little garden in my little blog.

so, welcome to the garden!

this is my hat, by the way.

lets start with this.

this tree is older than me. 20 years, imagine. my tito planted it when his son was born, and its still as majestic as how i remember it ten years ago.

okay, i used to hula with these.

my nana would pick them for me and my sister and we'd dance and goof around. yeah the sap sticking to our hair got pretty annoying, but it was worth it.

a million photographs were taken on these steps.

of my sisters when they were toddlers,

of my mom when she was a teenager...

... of me, about to leave them behind.

i found this particularly nostalgic tree bark.

i used to think this looked like grandmother willow in pochahontas, and for that i was terrified of it.

its blurred because i ran away, OKAY.

i found other things, too.

i really didnt know we even had a goat.

still, there were more tragic things.

but that didnt keep me from appreciating everything else.

all that magic was hard to ignore.

it was everywhere.

can you see them?

okay,

judge me for doing this, and for photographing it, but it fits right in with my afternoon.

how can you appreciate a flower without kissing it?

beats me.

so basically, i breathed everything in..

in..

in..

and kept it in.

i love it.

to believe.

i believe in fairies.
i do.
not because have learned to believe,
nor because i have seen enough to no longer doubt.
i believe
just because i want to.

i want to believe in magic again.
magic you cant see,
but you know is there.
dancing around flowers in your garden
disappearing as quickly as you turn your head.

i miss being eight
wide eyed reading volume F in the library.
seeing pictures
and fervently wishing i could see it with my own eyes.
the magic.

but its not just fairies
i believed in
many things.
i believed in everything.
the good days,
where rationale didnt get in the way
my empty mind,
for anything to fill.
angels, fairies, mermaids.

i miss those words.
i miss looking at the stars and wondering
if one day i would get to visit the magical world of lisa frank
i miss looking into the ocean
and wondering how the waves seem to never stop.
magic, of course.
i miss believing there was actually a dreamworld
and every night every child boards a train
and rides on to this secret place
you instantly forget as you wake.

i want to believe again.
i want to look outside the window
and see pixie dust in the light again.

i want to believe there's a paradise to go to.
i already do.
but i want to believe a paradise exists as we do.
as we spin this record again and again
a neverland exists.
we cannot see it,
but i've visited it once or twice before.
i know it.

we've only forgotten
all we need is to remember.
remember how we were.
back when we didnt know how to decide
whether we'd look stupid or not
back when we'd just go.
back when we didnt know left from right
just forward.
and so everything existed,
welcoming us.

i miss that.
this is a simple post, but it means a lot to me. its my promise to my inner child that i wont ever forget what she taught me so many years ago.
you know, to believe.

See the Earth in a New Light

In support of the world-wide campaign against Global Warming, we are encouraging everyone to participate in the 60-minute "lights-out" event on March 29, 2008 from 8 to 9PM. While participation in this activity is entirely voluntary, we encourage everyone to do their share in this and other similar endeavors to save our planet. Please read the brief article below to further understand the rationalé behind this movement.

On March 29, 2008 the Philippines will join countries around the world as we literally "turn the lights out" for Earth Hour - an event that will fuel awareness on climate change and prove that when the people of the world work together, they can make a difference in the fight against global warming.

Earth Hour will take place throughout the Philippines from 8 to 9 in the evening on Saturday night, 29 March 2008. WWF invites you to participate by shutting off lights for 60 minutes, organizing your own "lights-out" event or by forwarding this mail to your friends, workmates and family.

Launched in Australia on the 31st of March 2007, Earth Hour moved 2.2 million people and 2100 businesses in Sydney to turn off their lights for one hour. This massive collective effort reduced the city's energy consumption by 10.2% for one hour. With Sydney icons like the Harbour Bridge and Opera House turning their lights off and unique events such as weddings by candlelight, the world took notice. Inspired by the collective effort of millions of Sydneysiders, many major global cities are joining Earth Hour in 2008, turning a symbolic event into a global movement.

YOUR participation will go a long way in spreading the message that we, as individual droplets working collectively – can create an impetus far more powerful than the mightiest of rivers. For more information, log on to the WWF Earth Hour page at: www.earthhour.org.

my first post just has to be about the end

now is the time to make a blog.
here in my room, just hours after the retreat. i cant believe its over. it was pretty bitin. but even if our retreat wasn't as amazing as i thought it would be, i still think it served its purpose. it gave us the opportunity to face reality, and to be nice to each other for one of the last times, without the uncomfortableness (is that a word?) we'd usually feel in school.
i wondered why i wasnt so worried about grad. i didnt feel like i didnt want to leave. heck, i was so ready to jump on that plane and leave our prison of a school. but i what i didnt think of was that once i get on that plane, once we step foot into that new college, theres no going back. there will be nothing to go back to. sometimes when i'd be having a bad day, i'd just sit in and listen to a fun conversation and before i knew it, their fun and weirdness would make me forget what i'd been grumblig about before. but soon, that'll be gone.
i didnt feel it before, but i sure feel it now.
the clock is ticking, and pretty soon i wont ever see so many of the faces i've grown so used to over the years.
what is it like to not hear people playing the guitar and singing bohemian rhapsody early in the morning?
what does it feel like to be in a place where no one dances at lunch to gimme gimme more?
or to go to a classroom where you cant just enter and scream, "hoi sinong may assignment sa physics??"
no talks in the gazebo.
no staring blankly at a pingpong game in the gym. (not that that's missed much right now)
no one stealing your sizzling in the canteen.
no amaw videos, and no guys showing off their legs during PE.
no "baaaaa"s and "i dunnoe"s.

i cant imagine. its hard to think march 25 will be the last time i might ever see some of our batchmates. it sucks, but its true.
but today along with this sadness, i also feel somehow ready to say goodbye. so many things were done that should've been done a long time ago. i cherished the few moments i got to spend with the batchmates i know i'm going to miss. i went into ultrafriendly mode,and so did everyone else. you could see everybody smiling that sad smile that was almost weird. i got to exchange words to people i silently admired, too. it was like the "peace" i was looking for inside me. now, after all thats said and done, i feel like i can finally say goodbye to *some people* without any regrets. of course there are others who deserve more than a hug and a smile. i'll attend to that, surely. (like dans, nil- grad talaga!)

i know im just one out of 91, but i feel like the whole freaking batch is inside me. seriously, i do. its weird nga, cos i know i hardly even talk to some people, but even if i dont, i still feel like i've got a little bit of them in me.(i can relate to kiboy's sharing) we have so many extremely weird/funny/unique personalities in this batch which im proud to say are very, you know, unique, so its extreme good fortune (or divine intervention) on my part that i got to experience their company. thank you so much, cos all of my happy moments in pisay were with the batch. (duh, i guess)
(parenthesis)

i guess have no right to feel this way, but heck its the closest way to explain it: when i look at this batch i get that smile a mother gets while she's looking at her children playing. wa, i know im no mother. but when i look at our batch, i cant believe how much we've grown, how perfectly PERFECTLY we get along, how each person contributes so much to the general vibe of this awesome group. we cant deny that we rule.

i am so grateful i was able to be a part of this memory.
LONG LIVE THE BATCH!

seriously, we all have to be alive at the reunion, ok?